Wednesday 6.38 am

A crazed panic controls my mind, as a nightmare I don’t dare remember bleeds away. My breath burns in my throat like I have been running. I’m paralysed, staring around recognising nothing, cold sweat covering me.

After a moment, my body relaxes a little. I take a deep breath and everything around me returns to its natural place. A body stirs beside me and the dark hair of my girlfriend Ronnie reaches out to me from under the covers. I lie still, taking in the quiet and stillness of early morning as the sweat cools on my skin.

Sleep is over for me. I ease myself out of the bed and walk into the living room-come-kitchen, careful to be quiet while I make a cup of coffee and sit down at my battered, scarred little desk by the window.

As my laptop warms up, I stir my coffee and my mind drifts into the past. The granules slowly dissolve into the milk, the colour murky with the tang of bitterness. I blow across the cup as I scan the desk, pages with my scratchy handwriting scattered across the worktop. Pencils with chewed ends, cigarette filters here and there. The dark eyes of my own face stare up at me from my student ID.

My name is Sam Dmitrovic. But it is not my name.

I watch the world slowly drag itself from night, dark clouds lightening with the coming of the day. They are heavy with rain, patiently waiting to be relieved of their burden. It is going to be a grim day, an oppressive air with the threat of rain. Everything is green and almost glowing with life in the murky spring morning light. The view below transforms from an unrecognisable dark pit into the familiar garden I know.

This is not my home. I have no home now, only the places where I try to live. My mobile beeps urgently from the coffee table.

It is time to get ready.

Thursday 10.12pm

An exhausting day – two classes and a shift at work. Only five weeks left until the end of the semester. I’ll be glad for the break.

Ronnie’s working late tonight at the student bar so I’m alone in the flat again. I hear the fridge tick over and it’s the only sound other than my fingers tapping on the keyboard, reverberating with my thoughts as they race through my head, draining out through my arm and onto the page.

Frankie called earlier, wanting me to go and shoot some pool with him and the guys, but I still had hours to put in on my American Lit essay. It was hard to say no to them, I could’ve used the distraction from my thoughts but there is so much work to do. It takes a lot of effort to write to the level Professor Jacobs is looking for and as much as I love this language and want to study it forever, it doesn’t come naturally.

Susie stopped me in the hall this morning, said I looked tired. I thought ‘you’d look tired too if you were me’.

Saturday 11.12am

A lazy morning. Sunlight streaming through the dirty windows. Ronnie’s body close to mine, under sheets warmed by sleep. There is good in this world even if I don’t deserve its grace. Yesterday a quiet afternoon shift at work, followed by a night of laughter and fun with friends.

Sometimes I wonder at what point I will wake up, cold and alone in the dark and all of this some wonderful dream snatched away with the opening of my eyes.

Saturday 7.03pm

They were at work today.

I never saw them enter. My first sight of them was at the reception desk, badges flashing in the light from the tall windows. Him – tall, looking and taking in everything around him. Her – small, with bushy hair trying to escape from a bun, asking a question.

I took a trolley of books to the stacks in the back and concentrated on those, hoping to avoid them completely. When I came out, having wandered around for twice as long as it takes to shelve the books, pushing the half-full trolley back to the returns desk, they were still there.

They were standing at the counter, leaning over and speaking to Verity in low, hushed voices. I could see her face turned up to them, eager and helpful. I tried to bustle past, on my way to do some newly important errand in the back office, but I was not fast enough.

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Purchase The Red Book to read “Not My Name” in its entirety.  Official release is 1st December – pre-release orders taken as of 24th November.